the best part about blogging is that no one actually knows if youre naked or not
I DON’T KNOW BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT SET-UP FOR WACKY HIJINKS.
If ever there was a time I needed DeanWinchesterCryingSarcasticallyInAWailingBaby’sFace.jpg, this would be it.
Think Cap1, where he holds the baby up with that vaguely-terrified look of a man who has no goddamn clue what to do with a tiny human being, despite having been one for a goodly portion of his life. Except there’s a whole swarm of them and he’s really big and he’ll probably hurt one of them and oh god how the fuck did Clint get all the way up there NO THOR DO NOT HIT NATASHA SHE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO WALK VERY WELL YET BUT SHE WILL KILL YOU.
Bruce likes kids, but he doesn’t trust himself, and he’d definitely call a professional sitter or just haul them down to Stark Industries’ daycare center, because he knows how not to loose all sense of reason in a crisis. He doesn’t leave them there alone, but he definitely keeps to the sidelines.
Sam takes a lot of pictures as soon as he’s done tethering them all to his belt like so many puppies on leashes. He thinks they’re adorable. He wants twelve more. He takes them to Central Park and revels in the way young mothers coo over such a responsible manny, and now he knows that Natasha likes pistachio ice cream.
Natasha reacts in a way that, on anyone else, would be considered resourceful and level-headed, if not a bit strange. Meaning, she set them all carefully, one-by-one, in the empty pool with pillows and blankets and teddy bears and a block of colby jack cheese each and patrolled the edge to make sure they didn’t escape until Coulson got there and could tell her what was going on.
In truth, she panicked, because she is NOT child-oriented, and it was all she could think of.
Like Bruce, Clint’s good with kids and likes them, but doesn’t think of himself as a natural caretaker - he doesn’t trust them with some strange nanny, tho, so he kinda pens them up in the den and pulls up Dora the Explorer on Netflix while he waits for SHIELD to tell him what the hell happened.
By the end of the ordeal, they’ve all done fingerpainting, Thor’s mastered Kraft Mac-n-Cheese, they’ve made it through an entire set of Baby Signing Time videos, and when they’re all restored they end up humming Norse lullabies out of nowhere and have no idea why.
Calls for a sitter thoroughly vetted by SHIELD to assist her in personally caring for the kid!vengers, keeps one ear glued to the phone demanding answers from Coulson and coordinating with every superhero scientist and magic-user she could track down, instigated a worldwide manhunt for the jackass responsible, and then slings Tony to her front and Natasha to her back (those two could get out of the harnesses in seconds), tethers the others to her like Sam would have, and marches over to SHIELD holding to tear the ne’er-do-well to shreds and ensure that he knows that if he does not return them all to their rightful state she would tear his face off with her fingernails, have it bronzed, and mount it on her office wall.
And she still finds time for peek-a-boo.
Pretty much exactly what Pepper does, but with a military escort, a sidearm, and little-bunny-foofoo instead of peek-a-boo.
Holds Steve and cries.